People Power: Pain and suffering build resilience and power – January 2025

By Sam Allman

As humans, we all face trials and tribulations. With life comes both joy and suffering; there is no escaping that. But the challenges we face have the opportunity to become our greatest teachers if we take hold of our response and transform our pain into power.

This year, I turn 80 years old. There is no question: I am losing it. My mind and my body are both in decline, moving faster and faster toward my final fate. That’s why it has been said, “Getting old is not for the faint of heart.” But my life is good. I have all the things that research shows I need to be happy. Though slipping away, I have my health; I have my faith; I have friends and family to love; I find meaning and purpose when I serve others, volunteer and when I write or teach; I continue to learn by reading, listening to podcasts and find adventure in travel and learning of other cultures; I am often in awe of this beautiful planet and am able to savor and reminisce about my experiences.

PITY PARTY
Life isn’t always smooth. We all face moments of despair and suffering-some more than others. At times, I’ve been selfish, consumed by grievances, and frustrated that the world doesn’t cater to my happiness. Despite my blessings, I’ve indulged in self-pity. A friend once quoted a line to curb my complaints: Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit (Perhaps, someday, it will bring pleasure to remember even these things.) from Virgil’s Aeneid. Aeneas speaks these words to inspire his companions after enduring hardships, suggesting that struggles can become sources of wisdom and growth. As H.G. Wells aptly said, “The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow.”

Aeneas’ words offer hope, suggesting that their current struggles, though bitter, may one day be meaningful or even sweet in memory. It speaks to the resilience of the human spirit and our ability to find value in adversity. At that moment, I was so caught up in my suffering that the words did nothing for my despair and whining.

Have you ever been the star of a pity party? Poor-little-old-me isn’t a medical condition, but a mindset, a self-indulgent focus on misfortunes. It involves dwelling on problems, feeling victimized or seeking sympathy rather than solutions. Most of us have been there. Reflecting on such moments, I find Aeneas’s words deeply true. Now, the despair I once felt seems so distant that it’s almost hard to recall. While occasional self-pity is natural, lingering in it can spiral into full despair.

Most of us heal ourselves from the self-indulgence pity inflicts upon us and move forward. The point is, it doesn’t really matter. In life, most of us will deal with it and get through it. That’s what we humans do. Occasionally bad events will cause death, but most of the time, we survive and suffer through them. We do what we must to: grieve the losses, rebuild, or bounce back and move on. Hopefully, the pain and suffering will become a distant memory.

TRANSFORM & TRANSCEND
I have lived in one of the wealthiest nations on Earth, spared from the struggles of war, famine and pestilence faced by many. Yet, like all humans, I share in life’s challenges. Struggle is universal-rich or poor, free or oppressed, alone or surrounded by loved ones. We all face heartbreak, loss, guilt, failure and self-doubt. These hardships transcend circumstances, reminding us that difficulty is intrinsic to life and shapes who we are.

Pain and suffering cannot be avoided or learned secondhand; they must be experienced firsthand. They teach critical lessons and shape our identity in ways no classroom or media ever could. I’ve come to understand that my growth is a direct result of my experiences and struggles. While these challenges have influenced me, my choices in responding to them ultimately define who I am.

Pain and suffering hurt, but, ironically, they can also create and hone skills, develop character traits and hold the transformative potential to cultivate profound personal power. Pain can become a powerful teacher, fostering resilience and equipping us to face future challenges. Developing resilience is not about avoiding difficulties but building the capacity to recover and adapt. By confronting and transforming hardship, we gain resilience, clarity and the ability to navigate life’s unwelcome hardships with purpose and wisdom. These experiences serve as powerful catalysts, unlocking emotional depth, creativity and the capacity to lead and inspire others. It almost seems to me that the human condition was built by design so that it instructs, grooms and guides us on how to reach our potential.

Pain and suffering often force deep introspection, allowing us to uncover what truly matters to us. Through this process, we may discover hidden passions or missions, creating a stronger sense of purpose. This newfound clarity enhances resilience and provides the motivation to pursue meaningful goals. Additionally, suffering fosters empathy by enabling us to connect with others’ struggles, strengthening relationships built on trust and understanding. These connections become networks of support and cooperation, which further amplify personal and collective achievements.

Adversity also broadens perspectives by challenging assumptions and disrupting habitual thinking. In reevaluating our worldview, we can develop adaptability and a deeper understanding of what we experience. Fact: I was not very sympathetic to couples who were suffering because of divorce. Then it happened to me. My whole perspective changed, and so did I. This expanded perspective equips us with the wisdom and flexibility to navigate complex situations effectively.

When we channel our suffering into growth, we become authentic role models, demonstrating that pain can lead to strength and success. Sharing these transformative experiences fosters credibility and trust, allowing us to lead and motivate others toward shared goals. Adversity also sparks creativity and innovation, as we find ways to cope and move forward. These moments of ingenuity often lead to new skills, solutions and opportunities.

ACKNOWLEDGE
It’s okay to feel down sometimes. But growth cannot begin without acknowledgment. Suppressing pain often leads to unresolved issues resurfacing in harmful ways, such as stress, anxiety or strained relationships. Accepting pain is the first courageous step toward healing. Remind yourself that experiencing pain is part of being human. As Dr. M. Scott Peck reminds us in his book, The Road Less Traveled, once you realize and accept the fact that life is difficult, you transcend it. You are ready to live life successfully. You find a genuine kind of peace. You focus on controlling all the things that you are able to control.

REFLECT
Reflection brings clarity and helps transform raw pain into insights. It allows you to identify patterns, triggers and unmet needs that may have contributed to your current situation. Without reflection, growth remains surface-level and that leads to cluelessness. Learn to observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Shift from blame or self-pity to curiosity. Look for lessons that can shape your future choices. What events or behaviors led to this pain? How have you contributed to or allowed these circumstances? What values or boundaries were violated? What do you need to heal and move forward?

REFRAME
The way you interpret your pain significantly impacts your healing. Viewing it as a stepping-stone to growth, rather than a life-defining setback, allows you to reclaim your power and find meaning in adversity. Shift your perspective. Ask yourself, what strengths or qualities have I developed because of this experience? How has this deepened my understanding of myself? How can this pain lead to a better version of me? Your internal self-talk matters. Use affirmations to reinforce a growth mindset by repeating positive statements. Reframe your thinking. Instead of viewing a breakup or a job loss as a failure, see it as an opportunity to build a healthier and brighter future. Make a habit of focusing on the positives in your life.

ACT
Reflection and resilience set the foundation, but true growth happens when you translate insights into actions. Taking proactive steps helps you regain control and turn lessons into tangible improvements. Set goals rooted in lessons learned. Monitor your actions and their impact. Celebrate even small changes, as they build momentum for larger transformations. Commit to lifelong learning. Embrace personal growth as an ongoing process, remaining open to new lessons and perspectives. Create routines that foster resilience, such as regular exercise, healthy eating and gratitude journaling. These small practices build mental and emotional strength over time.

Wisdom emerges when individuals transform the raw material of their experiences into meaningful growth, applying what they have learned to themselves and the world around them. Transforming pain into growth is not a linear journey, and setbacks are inevitable. However, every step-acknowledging, reflecting, reframing and acting-builds resilience and self-awareness.

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