The importance of relationships in building successful careers

By Sam Allman

Whether we like it or not, we cannot succeed in life alone. Most of us have been nurtured and taught to believe we can be self-reliant, independent and self-sufficient. We are Americans and that’s our legacy. Our society and culture have been built on the back of the individual and individual responsibility. We were born into helplessness, moved to dependence and emerged, supposedly, into independent, free-thinking adults who can solve any of the problems that life deals us.

Yet despite all the learning and nurturing, the fact is, we still need others. In our quest for independence and self-reliance, we soon discover that there is a higher level of human functioning as we evolve from helplessness to dependence to independence. That higher level is interdependence. 

Interdependence enhances our physical as well as our psychological wellbeing. Learning to build relationships with others is the essential skill of interdependence. Lack of relationships is one of the biggest predictors of depression. Research has confirmed that strong relationships contribute to a long, healthy and happy life. Conversely, the health risks from being alone in one’s life are comparable to the risks associated with smoking, high blood pressure and obesity.

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS MAKE HEALTHY PEOPLE
Research shows that with a healthy relationship, you are 50% less likely to die prematurely. Similarly, Dan Buettner of Blue Zones Research estimates that committing to a life partner can add three years to your life expectancy. The effects of stress have been proven to be buffered by the support of a caring friend. According to research by psychologist Sheldon Cohen, our immune systems are more potent in protecting us when we have positive relationships. University of Chicago researchers found that social isolation can have lasting consequences and could predict higher blood pressure even years later. One study concluded that your relationships in life are just as important as what you eat and drink, how much exercise you get and other important health behaviors.

Besides helping us to be more physically and emotionally healthy, interdependence is a reflection of a higher level of consciousness and emotional maturity. It requires skills, insights and perceptions that can only be acquired by interacting with others. Interdependence requires us to change. We don’t develop relationships to change others; we become interdependent to change ourselves. Whether in marriage, parenthood, a friendship, a partnership or a customer-salesperson relationship, interdependence is an assault upon the lonely, atomic ego. It imposes grueling, humbling, baffling and frustrating responsibilities. It is a threat to the solitary individual. It teaches us lessons of durability and duress. Most of what we are forced to learn about ourselves is not pleasant because we are selfish and mostly think only of ourselves. 

Interdependence requires a new way of thinking. It fails when relationships are one-sided; that is, the relationship must be mutually beneficial. In Stephen R. Covey’s words, you must seek win/win in your relationships—habit number four in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Covey claims that in order to move from independence to interdependence, one must experience a paradigm shift, a change in the way one thinks. Instead of our thinking, “What’s in it for me?” we need to think, “What can I do to seek the benefit of others as well as my own?” and “How can I get better results with others by cooperating interdependently than by competing independently?” In time we learn that concern for others will make our lives fuller and richer than just focusing on our own selfish needs and wants.

CONFLICT, GROWTH AND SYNERGY
Inevitably, in every interdependent relationship there will be conflict. That conflict may be exasperating, but it stretches us to learn patience, empathy, tolerance and respect. It teaches us skills like conflict management, communication, collaboration, listening and negotiation. Conflict teaches us to balance our needs with the needs of others by giving us the courage to stand up for ourselves when necessary and at the same time to be considerate of others. 

Besides teaching us new skills, conflict can be extremely beneficial if managed properly. In our culture, we automatically tend to think of the term “conflict” in the negative. When we discuss conflict in relationships, we speak of it as a diminishing force that drives people apart, an ill that only compounds the difficulties of life, and an element that needs expunging if the relationship is to survive. 

However, in good relationships conflict can be productive. The free flow of conflicting ideas, points of view and feelings becomes a fertile field for the development of synergy and for creative thinking. That’s when conflict can become beneficial for discovering new solutions no individual would have come to on his own. As Karl Pribram, a professor at Georgetown University, says, “Disagreements can be magical. But we can’t lose trust. We must keep valuing and including each other in the dialogue. We must remain open.” Trust, caring for each other, communicating, suspending judgment and open-mindedness are all traits or skills learned through interdependence. 

Synergy is the creative and productive power of interdependence. An interdependent gaggle of geese flying south for the winter can fly 72% further than a single goose can fly on its own. Collaboration enhances creativity and brings unknown resources and results to fruition. 

STUFF VERSUS PEOPLE
Throughout my life, at one time or another, I have heard and been reminded that few us on our death beds will say, “Gee, I wish I had spent more time at the office.” I can tell you for a fact that the acquisition of “stuff” is overrated. I have spent my life acquiring things that I thought were important. Since my wife and I have downsized (our children have left), most of our stuff was either given to Goodwill or is sitting in a storage garage 2,000 miles from where we live. At this point, I can’t remember what stuff was so important. I think someone could torch the storage garage, and I wouldn’t miss anything except my books. 

In the end, besides your family, it’s the relationships you have that matter most. As I write, I reminisce about how different my life would be without my family and the many friends and acquaintances with whom I have associated over the years. Each relationship has brought me insights, perspectives and added more depth to who I am. Thinking about this reminds me of the quote by Oliver Wendell Holmes, “A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.” Plagiarizing that quote somewhat for our current subject, I would say, “A person stretched by a new relationship will never be the same.”

Living life can be self-consuming. Who you are can be overshadowed by what you do or what you have done. The label “self-made” man or woman is virtually a myth. Whether that has been ascribed to you or not, the odds are that many people have greatly influenced who you are, what you have done and the success you have attained. Can I suggest something that will make their day and especially make yours? Contact them by phone, email or social media.

Have you ever expressed your gratitude for their influence and friendship? Remember the old Bell System commercial (when there was only one telephone provider): “Reach out and touch someone; reach out, call up and just say hi… A phone call now and then will bring them closer. They are waiting to hear from you.”

Recently I reached out to two of my closest friends from high school. With one, it had been almost 50 years since we had talked. As we reminisced about those days, happy memories flooded back into my mind. I’m glad I reached out because both have since passed away. I would have regretted missing the opportunity. I reached out to a cousin who was suffering because of ill health. I know I made his day, besides it also made mine. That’s where interdependence is mutually beneficial. Always remember that shared joy is multiplied; shared sorrow is divided.

I am selfish and am self-absorbed with my work. I do a poor job of connecting and staying in touch. I have to do better. I’ve committed to call my aging parents (90+ years) at least once a week. I tell them I love them at the end of every call because I never know if that is the last time we will talk. I want no regrets. 

The current holidays can be tough for some people. Though we live in a crowded world, loneliness abounds. It’s a perfect time to reach out and touch someone. Make it your work to lift those who have helped sculpt who you are. Give back to those who have given to you. Make your life’s purpose greater than yourself. Perhaps you’ll shape history. A simple phone call, a short email or a grateful note can lift the spirits of anyone. Paradoxically, by lifting the spirit of others, you are being interdependent, because you will lift your own as well. In the words of the famous motivational speaker, Zig Ziglar, “You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help enough other people get what they want.” Is it time for you to reach out and touch someone?